What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
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If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Today’s Times
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing