‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
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Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.