My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
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I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?