“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
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Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.