The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
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Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch