why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
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I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”