[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
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I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Genius idea!!
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it