Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
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Did a trash talking tree write this?
The news is so predictable nowadays
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.