I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
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FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
uh oh
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her: