Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
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I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”