A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
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1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
quarantine day 3
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab