Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
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Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me