It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
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If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
same bro
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now