You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
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cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
thinking about a very short hotdog
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed