I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
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I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.