If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
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I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving