Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
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Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
good for her
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.