Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
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[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
we’re dead?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.