My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
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Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.