[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
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Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.