Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
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okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?