My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
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Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.