Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
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me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.