Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
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Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
SPLOOT
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.