[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
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Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries