The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Did I do this right
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?