“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
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(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.