I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
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my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Hot Hot Hot
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak