Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
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If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
These 3D printers are insane!
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries