I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
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It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Brother?
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?