I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.