my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
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Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?