Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
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millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?