BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
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My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Here’s a meme
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Pretty much! 😂👀
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.