obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
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My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”