Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
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Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
My last name is Zilla.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
and now we wait
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
58.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*