a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
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Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.