(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
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me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast