every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
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Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison