Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
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Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
brian had himself a morning…
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
*seductively eats two tums*
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.