When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
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Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Real House Wines.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?