Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
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My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*