me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
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Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.