BETRAYAL
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[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table