Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
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“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.