cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
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As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
My diet starts in January
of 2027
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Good dog. ❤️
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday