Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
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Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s