[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
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Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Just say no
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Leonardo DiCaprisun
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.