I’m crying im so happy for them
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me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*