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The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
awkward
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”